My Superstitious Self

To quote Michael Scott from The Office: "I'm not superstitious. But I am a little stitious."

That pretty much sums me up. While I completely understand the lunacy of thinking that any of my actions or thoughts or words will ever actually change the course of events, there are some things I don't like doing.

Saying, "Well, it could be worse!" is one of these things. Because guess what! Shit always gets worse, almost IMMEDIATELY after uttering that phrase. "At least _______ didn't happen!" is another stupid thing to say, since whatever you fill the blank in with will, inevitably, happen. Unless it's winning the lottery. God forbid I win millions of dollars and can fix almost every single problem in my life!

So it's been filling me with a lot of anxiety that I've even TOLD people about my application with the Teach and Learn with Georgia program, because I feel like I've doomed myself from the start. And to be fair, it has been fairly clusterfucky from the get go. Telling my bosses and quitting my job and moving from California back to Michigan just to have the program be closed two weeks later? I'm fairly sure that had I just done the normal thing people do, which is quit their job without warning and leave everyone up shits creek, I would've been in Georgia for the last 7 months. And I know that's a crazy thing to say, but it really does feel like the Universe is just a spiteful bastard sometimes, and it's hellbent on making sure I feel like the rug will be pulled out from under me at any time.

Which again, is an insane statement. I get that. I fully recognize it. But there have been so many instances where it's honestly felt true that a part of me can't help but be superstitious about any possible plans, desires, or wishes.

I guess at the end of the day, one way or another, if I get the email saying "YES WE WANT YOU!" or "HELL NO STAY AWAY FROM OUR COUNTRY!" it will be nice to have some finality. I've been in limbo for the last year and a half (actually more, realistically, since I made the decision to apply for some overseas program back in 2010, and in true Andronis style I just kept putting it off and off and off with excuse after excuse after excuse), and I'm kind of over it. Because the truth of the matter is, that no matter how detached I feel from everything, I am, actually, slightly invested. I told myself over and over again while in California that I hated it, and the only thing keeping me sane was my car and trips to Disneyland. And although these two statements were pretty true at the time, I'm finding myself sitting here saying, "Man, I cannot wait to go back to _______."  I'm fairly done with not being fully THERE with the people and places around me. It will be a nice change of pace.

However, it's been what feels like an eternity for this email to come, one way or another, and while I'm ridiculously hopeful, it's starting to feel like all my optimism is just going to make the exact opposite happen. Just cause the Universe is a jerkwad.