Commie Fun Park

I had a pretty surreal afternoon on Saturday. My friend Christine and I ventured up to the Mtatsminda park, which is a theme park of sorts that sits on top of one of Tbilisi's hills. It's accessible one of two ways - a bus which takes you way round the back of the hill and steadily up, or by the funicular. What's a funicular, you ask? It's this weird railway train thing that has two cars. They are at the opposite ends of the line and, through a pulley system, counterbalance each other to take passengers either up or down. 

It's actually a pretty neat thing, even if it isn't the smoothest ride. The last time I was on it was during orientation, all those months ago. Young, naive Jo was slightly alarmed at the jerky ride, the heartstopping pauses and jolts, constantly worrying that one of the cables would snap and that we would all plummet down to our deaths hundreds of feet below us. 

However, since spending a little more time here, where absolutely nothing is in my control, I've become sort of a fatalist. Not that I'm hoping to die or anything, but what the hell is the point in being worried constantly about near death experiences since I can't do anything to prevent them? It's been an enjoyable time in marshrutkas since I gave up caring about how drivers liked to pass each other at absurd speeds around blind corners, and this trip up to Mtatsminda was a far more pleasant experience than it had been the first time, as well. 

It's a pretty steep ascent, and that little white dot way up there is only the halfway point where there is, naturally, a church. Because Tbilisi loves its churches.

The funicular station at the top doubles as a restaurant as well, offering stunning panoramas of Tbilisi from the highest point around which you can enjoy with some beer, wine, and decent food. Upon leaving the station, you're dumped in front of a wide, gently sloped set of stairs, generously broken up by little platforms with various carnival type rides. You can also go right, and follow the ridge of the mountain where there are a bunch of game stands with very scary looking stuffed animals as prizes. The signs are super helpful for letting you know where you need to go. I'm glad that, since this is Georgia, there is of course a wedding hall in an amusement park.

There are also really creepy statues, like the one below. The more horrifying part of them, though, is the sheer size. This way-too-pleased-with-itself fat baby cherub thing is easily 15 feet tall, and is on the main entrance for the park. 

Basically, if you take Disneyland, reduce the budget of it by millions of dollars, and add 1970's Soviet vibe to it, you'll have the decor of this park.

Which isn't to say that there is a lack of cool shit up there, because that's not true. There's a gigantic ferris wheel that goes around and around at a snails pace. It's also right at the very edge of the hill, and that makes me more than a little nervous, so I've only ever visited the bar at the bottom of it. Shocker, I know.

There's also a pretty decent looking roller coaster, but it wasn't running on Saturday. Underneath the coaster, in a concrete space reminiscent of a parking lot, is the Go-Kart track. Georgian Go-Karts are apparently just small four-wheelers. And there are only two of them. Don't worry, though. You get a helmet for the ride, too! Or at least I think you do. There were two of them off to the side at least, so they might have just been for decoration. Like the roller coaster above, the Go-Karts were also not operational.

My favorite part of the park, though, is the Dinosaur Experience. Just past the ferris wheel is a small fenced off area with animatronic prehistoric creatures. They're motion activated, and don't do anything too crazy - opening their mouths in roars that aren't synchronized with the soundtrack, blinking with eyelids that needed to be replaced ten years ago because they had holes in the lids, wagging their arms around in weird little robotic dances. The trail takes you around the perimeter of the area, and is doable in probably five minutes.

We of course took almost fifteen, since most of the robots were exceptionally hilarious, such as the Ornithomimus making some incredibly weird sounds. I've been trying to upload a video of it, but it's not letting me. However, if you have an iPhone, go to Settings>Sounds>Ringtone>Classic>Old Car Horn and that is exactly the sound that one of the dinosaurs was emitting. I'm no Robert T. Bakker, but I feel like there's something off about this interpretation of saurian vocalizations...

What I was really excited for, and what made the two lari admission price to the dinosaur area really worthwhile (oh yeah, I forgot to mention that you have to pay a few lari for all the janky rides and attractions at the top, since admission is free), was the prospect of riding this Pachyrhinosaurus. The attendant lady unfortunately dashed that hope, so this was the best I could do. Which I guess for being a 27 year old in an exhibit obviously targeted at those twenty years younger than me isn't too bad. I just really liked his shocked and concerned little face.

We explored pretty much all of the park, and while it was fairly slow and quiet that day, I feel like it's anarchy and pure chaos in the warm summer months. There are a ton of water features reminiscent of Splash Mountain, as well as numerous fountains that are obviously designed for children to run around in. Take any carnival you've ever seen, put those rides on top of a park, and voila - you have Mtatsminda.

There's also a little roller coaster for children, and we of course had to ride that. We wanted to ride the big coaster, dammit, and since that was closed, this kiddy one (called the "Happy Train," just by the way) would have to do! Who cares if we were the oldest people on the ride with no youngsters of our own, and who cares if we were laughing like complete goobers the whole time, and putting our hands up on the hills that were only a five foot drop. We were having fun, dammit! Which is more than we can say about all the actual children on the ride, most of whom were just staring straight ahead and weren't smiling or giggling or giving any indication of fun-havingness. The only reaction on any of them was one girl at the very front of the train who was unafuckingmused by us, and spent the entire time glaring at the two idiotic Americans cackling in the back cart.

Christine was most excited to do the Bumper Cars, so as we were on our way out of the park we stopped by. And of course, given our location, it couldn't just be normal Bumper Cars. No. There had to be furries on them. We hypothesized that this is what bored carnies are apt to do when days are slow. They had their costume heads over on the side, and stayed in the cars for consecutive rides. I guess when your job is "Be A Dog That Gives Balloons To Screaming Children," riding the Bumper Cars endlessly and for free is a perk.

The whole day was just full of weird, surreal little things like that. There are some Saint Bernards that are an attraction all their own - they don't do anything, and you can't pet them, and they're in a really remote part of the park. They just sit/sleep and you can take pictures of them. The old and broken parts of rides and attractions are just kind of thrown behind thin stands of trees, and you're able to get back and poke around them. There's a Ghost Castle which isn't open right now either, but there are attendants on the upper balconies of it who wave at you and call out, "Hello! How are you!", because even from thirty feet away it's wickedly obvious you're a foreigner. There are big paper mache mice at a supra, and a few roundabouts and swings for kids to play on that are chained and bolted to the ground, forbidding both the roundabouting and the swinging. And maybe these are all just side effects of the park being in offseason, but part of me really doubts that it will get all that "normal" come July.

We ended our little afternoon up at Mtatsminda grabbing a beer and some snacky foods, all the while making our own version of Cards Against Humanity: Georgian Edition. Christine and I spent most of the day in the park laughing ridiculously hard and having an insane amount of goofy fun and, judging by the wi-fi password for the restaurant, Mtatsminda thinks we're just as good of a time!

Control

One of my favorite parts about my life in Telavi has been watching the evolution of computer availability with my host siblings. When the weather started to turn cold, and the kids were inside more often, they naturally began to fight over the computer. They'd fight when they got home from school, and would barrel through their homework to be the first done and secure their spot on the computer for that precious hour they [each] get. It's really incredible what flash games and Facebook will do to a sibling relationship.

Most of the vicious fights happened when it was just the two of them in the mornings before school. No one ever truly won - someone would get kicked too hard, punched too much, or in one extreme case, where Goga threw a pair of Ani's favorite pants out the back door and into the weird trash filled creek that flows behind our house, be fed up with Georgian boy shit. Their fighting would be so voracious and frequent that eventually my host mother, tired of hearing about these escapades from the wronged child day in and day out, put a password on the whole computer. That way, she would have to be home in order for them to be able to use the computer. In her mind, she was eliminating a huge aggravator from everyone's life.

Unfortunately, what this introduced was an almost blood frenzy of Internet induced angst from my siblings. Now they'd just harangue her even more the second they were ready to go online, not caring about where she was in the house, what she was doing, or who she was talking to. She'd try to hide her keystrokes, but since the passwords were like four characters long and the kids would raptor pack her (standing on opposite sides of her, with one being a distraction and the other watching diligently for what she was typing) they would figure each one out. But she wouldn't know they had figured it out until the next time they would get in a fight over the computer in the morning and the "loser" would complain to her. 

Then she started to hide the keyboard, under the assumption that if they couldn't type they wouldn't be able to log on. Which is pretty sound logic, honestly, but they're determined kids when they want to be. They found that pesky Special Assistance menu that's on Windows log in screens, which brings up a virtual keyboard. Using the mouse, they were able to select the letters needed for the super simple password. And again, they could have gotten away with this, if only they had shut the fuck up and cooperated and taken turns. But no. Shit fests ensued in the mornings again, and word finally got back to my host moms ears. Naturally she started to hide the mouse, also. 

It began in a drawer in the desk, but Ani and Goga quickly found this hiding spot. Then my mom moved them into a cabinet in the living room, changing what one she'd use every day and always hiding them underneath bedding and towels. That didn't help, either, and inevitably they'd find these peripherals and then use them when she wasn't home. Finally she just started to bring the mouse and keyboard with her to school. It was the solution she had been dreaming of! Divine retribution at last! Freedom from quarreling children always! I mean, it's a bit cumbersome having to carry a full size keyboard and a mouse in her purse day in and day out, but if it saves her a headache or twelve per week it's totally worth it.

So there I was a few weeks ago, sitting on the couch in the petchie room, reading my book. My host brother had just thrown a fit about not being able to use the computer, and stomped out of the room, leaving only my host mom and me. She waits a moment. We hear the bathroom door close, and then she hurriedly comes over to where I am and motions for me to stand up. I look at her curiously, but comply and stand by the door. "Watch for Goga," she whispers as she lifts up the cushions and pulls out the keyboard and mouse from the empty space underneath the collapsable couch bed. Of course I start busting up, because this women just pulled computer accessories out from a sofa with the same caution that someone might have when revealing the location of the hidden rebel base to a confidant. 

And that's the current resting location of the peripherals. Right under my butt as I type this up. My host siblings have yet to discover it, that's how unASSuming (RIMSHOT) it is. I've started to run interference on the kids, keeping them out of the room and occupied so my mom can safely extract the secret devices. The suspense of having the keyboard and mouse magically appear is starting to drive my host siblings insane. They keep asking me if I know where it is, but I always just play dumb and lie. Their incessant fighting makes me want to strangle both of them, and I am pretty sure my host mom is in the same boat as I am, considering she always sighs and yells that she will abandon them and come back to America with me if they keep fighting. So if they want to pull their hair out in wonder as to where the accessories are, let them!

Besides, I've got my own computer, and my own Internet, and I can do shit like this.

Since you need a nice view in order to just look at pictures of cats, right?

An Excuse for a Photodump

I'm a big photography fan. I think it's an incredible medium, capable of freezing entire moments in time unlike any other human invention. 

While I wouldn't really count myself as an excellent picture taker (or excellent lexicon user!), I do tend to harbor a lot of happy feelings for all of my shots, especially kitchy ones. A friend and I once had a talk about how pictures aren't necessarily about capturing amazing shots, but more the memories they represent. Most of my favorite photos aren't the best ones - they're the weird few seconds that made me smile the most, or something completely random that caught my eye and made me laugh, or they're the ones that I use a crappy iPhone app to get. 

This is my favorite type of picture to take.

If you don't have Incredibooth, and you're on iOS, it's a pretty fun camera. Most people use it like you would a normal photobooth - a sequence of shots of themselves and other people making silly faces or trying to look all sexy. Unfortunately, the one person that I like looking silly with the most is on the other side of the country or planet from me usually, and my sexy face is pretty much...not... So I've reallocated this app as my go to panorama taker. Not ideal, for sure, but I always love how they come out, and that's sort of all that matters!

2012. Note how the first few are just ridiculous and I wasn't using it right at all. And then around San Francisco I get my shit together! We've got Yosemite, Grand Canyon, San Francisco, Harlow Lake, Lake Superior, Phil's, more Lake Superior, woods, Harlow Lake again, and another Phil's, all wrapped up in a neat little boxes.

2013. Lake Superior,  Lake Austin, Texas highway, Lake Austin, Yellow Dog River plains, Lake Superior, old abandoned mines, Lake Superior, Mskheta, Telavi, Prometheus caves, and the Black Sea. 

Anyway, this is the last photodump (if I'm friends with you on Facebook, I'm way sorry about the 145 pictures that I just uploaded and probably spammed your wall with!) for a while, as tomorrow I head back to Telavi and the land of tethering my 3G iPhone for internet.

It's also 2am and I really need to try to get back on a normal sleep schedule again, so I should probably do that.

And no, I'm not jetlagged.

Not a panorama at all, but a goofy bunch of memories. I got a red light ticket while living in California, and had to take a morning off of work to go to court and deal with it. I was annoyed about having to actually cough up the $400 for it, so I took a detour up to my favorite beach before I went in to work. So I'm on the beach, looking at the waves and freaking out about how I was going to pay this ticket when I got the silly idea to go running around the waves and try to get shots of them. So I did. For like a half an hour, it was back and forth in the surf with Incredibooth snapping away until I was satisfied with the amount of slides I got. It was a good way of forgetting about the massive amount of money I'd soon part with, as well as a wonderful little break before going in to work. I highly suggest it if you're ever feeling stressed or upset about something.

Cheating

Tonight I did something pretty unforgivable - I taught my host sibs how to play Egyptian Rat Slap. Apparently, much like "Johanna," "Egyptian Rat Slap" is too much, so Ani calls it "reetchee."  This game, if you're not familiar with it, is one of the most disruptive card games on the planet. There's lots of slapping, and yelling, and sometimes even some hand injuries. Neighbors hate this game, especially due to the slamming of extremities on wood and the profanities. My host mom seemed unphased by it (no, I was not swearing around them - I'm able to keep my sailor mouth in check when I want!), which isn't surprising given Georgians natural volume is 11.

My sibs, in keeping with typical kids all over the world, unabashedly cheat. Constantly. Blatant, look-you-in-the-eyes-as-they-do-it, cheating. It made me remember the days when I was that small and adorable that I, too, could bend the rules to my every whim with little to no consequence.

It's fun having little kids around, even if they're not that little. Being the youngest, I never understood a few very important things, like how little siblings are constantly in your shit, and how they will make you play the same thing over and over and over again because they are just having too much fun. Mary, I am so, so sorry. I almost understand the level of my obnoxiousness. Almost. 

My host sister is pretty badass. The other day she completely floored me. She was saying how my being 26 and unmarried was weird because she is in school with some girls who are already married. So I asked her if she wanted to be a wife soon, and her response was, "No, I do not want to get married. When you get married you cannot go on walks when you want, you cannot see who you want when you want, you cannot wear whatever clothes you want. You stop having fun, and I do not want that." Pretty incredible mindset in a culture laden with such traditional gender roles. She also wants to go to university in Tbilisi, as well as go to America someday (hence the reason she works so hard to be a good English speaker). It's a really, really nice change of pace to see such a radical opinion on her future from a little girl. And it's even nicer to know that my host mom is clearly the big push behind all of this, as she is constantly encouraging Ani to talk to me and ask questions. 

It's fun to hang out with my family a bit more. My brother and father have both gotten much friendlier, and I'm able to talk to my mom in a slightly more conversational way as I pick up more and more Georgian. I'm looking forward to the day that I can say exactly what I want to say and have someone understand me immediately. That will be so nice!

This past weekend I went to the Black Sea coast, and I'll put up a post about that tomorrow. For now, enjoy a teaser pic!