I wanted to write something big and meaningful for this, the 100th post I've sat at this computer and typed up random blurbs, thoughts, impressions - what have you.
Unfortunately, everything sounds bad. It all sounds stupid, and lame, and unoriginal. I'm bored writing it, I'm sure you'd be bored reading it, and I think we'll just skip all that boredom for both our sakes!
So, in keeping up with the lists that I'm oh so fond of, here's another one!
100 Small and Ridiculous Georgian Moments!
1. The 50 lari cab ride our second night in country, where we were taken up into the mountains, drank wine with teenagers, and I got my first marriage proposal.
2. Finding a bar with insanely good happy hour deals, and then bringing more and more people to it until they eventually ran out of happy hour beer by the third day.
3. Thinking we were so clever for carrying the hotels business card with us so we could get back easily after a night on the town during orientation.
4. Deciding upon places to eat based solely on the quality of their bathroom.
5. Expanding on number four, having the first question you ask be, "How's the toilet?"when you try a new restaurant/bar/cafe.
6. Being surprised at all the medical waste randomly on the ground, and then being even more surprised when my host siblings started chasing each other around with hypodermic needles full of water.
7. Being chased by a huge dog for the first time.
8. Sleeping on a balcony and getting drunk with the woman who ran the hostel.
9. Getting felt up by an old guy with no teeth while visiting a fortress from the 6th century.
10. Carving a pumpkin with ridiculously dull knives and a Swiss Army Knife.
11. Making hot toddies with homemade ginger-infused cognac.
12. Using the straight-out-of-a-Russian-horror-film restroom on the cross country night train.
13. Pregaming for an evening on the town by going to the grocery store and imbibing in free wine samples.
14. "Fuck it, I got this" being the best phrase ever.
15. This has ceased being surprising. Confusing, yes. But surprising, no.
16. Playing the best game one can play on a hopping Saturday night in Telavi; "Boys Driving in Cars, Looking at Girls, Looking at Boys Driving in Cars, Looking at Girls, Looking at Boys Driving in Cars, Looking at Girls..."
17. Thinking it's hilariously fun to walk on a corn covered floor.
18. Finding various human bones in a cardboard box in a monastery that's famous for throwing pigs out of the windows at invading Muslims.
19. The tortoise with painted toes that someone brought to a bar one night.
20. The five shmerry Santa's by the big tree outside of Parliament over Christmas while crying children protested sitting in their laps.
21. My family calling me Julie for the first five weeks in country, and then realizing that most Georgians I associate with on a more than passing basis call me Julie, or Diane, or Jewana. You know, anything that's NOT my actual name.
22. Ani calling smiling a lot "pain in my face."
23. Bebia telling me that since she has no teeth I should eat the crispy fried potatoes.
24. Accidentally buying dude shampoo because fuck Russian.
25. Accidentally buying body wash and using it as shampoo because really, fuck Russian.
26. Seeing a monk with an iPhone and iPad and wondering what the hell kind of apps he must have on them.
27. Watching Tbilisi's crazy cat lady and her cats in boxes, in bird cages, in socks, and cuddling with a stray dog she's petting with her feet while playing panduri and singing.
28. Breaking into the yard of a sixth century church so you can light a fire with old beer bottles and drink more.
29. Watching German stewardesses on Lufthansa deal with Georgians.
30. Mastering the Link Chic outfit for school.
31. Having texts like, "I'll meet you at Stalin" be a normal thing.
32. Taking a selfie with Stalin and feeling absolutely zero remorse about it.
33. After nine shots of chacha, I am coherent for about an hour, and then I will put myself to bed, because I think that's when I stop being coherent.
34. Learning wine jugs have numerous uses, such as light covers on electric poles.
35. That time my teacher told me I was saying "plumber" incorrectly, and that the way I spoke was confusing the children.
36. That other time my teacher told me that I said "chaos" wrong, because it starts with a "ch" and not a "k."
37. Having to wrap up my computer in a flannel shirt so that it's battery wouldn't die overnight even though it was plugged in.
38. Being able to find any smidgeon of Disney, even in the middle of a former Soviet satellite state.
39. Suddenly feeling like a 13 year old, drinking secret beer out of a paper bag while sitting on a patio in the park overlooking the plains.
40. Making snow angels with Ani in the weird woods behind our house.
41. An old guy outside of the Rustaveli metro stop had a telescope set up and was letting people look through it for 50 tetri. I didn't have any money, but I asked him if he had it pointed at Jupiter, and he got so excited I knew what it was that he let me look through for free.
42. That time I actually wrote, "Dungeons and Dragons is a widely developed and accepted canonical source, so at least I'm not using the Dragonriders of Pern as the basis of my dragon related opinions and appreciation," after talking about how scary and dragon-like Georgian is when people are angry and yell.
43. Walking down any street in any town and thinking, "These houses would make the Home Owners Association just cry..."
44. This being outside of my room for over a month.
45. That time we thought this was a good idea.
46. When my teacher told me that I was pronouncing "shadow" wrong (and you probably are, too. It's pronounced "shade-oh" after all. Good thing we, native speakers, are able to learn important lessons such as these...).
47. That time my teacher told me the past tense of "spin" was "span"...
48. Having "Do you have a husband?" be the normal second question asked of me after "Where are you from?"
49. Roadside meat stands, and their hanging pig heads, have stopped being weird.
50. Getting the hell out of the house and finding something else to eat when the ubiquitous black meat is being cooked.
51. When we hid in a cave on a mountainside and watched a herd of goats and sheep pass by so we wouldn't have to mess with the huge, scary shepherd dogs.
52. "No more, thank you," is not effective when it comes to food or drinks. "A little more, and then done," is much better, and you will actually be listened to.
53. "Joanna. Daleh chacha," is an awesome phrase when it's just me and my host mom and it's only 5 pm.
54. That time Allison was a badass and carried a sheep we stole down a muddy, rocky, really unstable mountain path.
55. "Oh, you're American? I'm Chechen." "Cool! Do you live up near Bakuriani?" "Yes. In Pankisi. Because I am Chechen." "It's beautiful up there. I'm very jealous." "Yes. There are many Chechens there. From Chechnya. I speak Chechen. Because I am Chechen." I think Chechens here aren't used to Americans who don't give a shit that they are, in fact, Chechen.
56. Plates of food on top of plates of food on top of plates of food at supras.
57. "Sakartvelos Americas megobrebs garmajos!" being the ultimate toast if you want to make any host love you.
58. If you want to have fun in the village, find the owner of the salon.
59. Electricity randomly going out for no reason when the sun is shining and there is no wind.
60. Having herds of livestock slowing down your transportation being a normal part of any trip.
61. Walking towards a group of abandoned buildings to do some exploring and then deciding not to as two men with automatic weapons come out of the buildings with a pack of barking dogs.
62. That time Andy Samberg's doppleganger was a waiter at a restaurant and we kept staring at him.
63. How we accidentally took this awesome picture,
and then immediately decided that we needed to start a girl band. Aptly named the Three Gogos, our first album, which will naturally go platinum, is called "The World Is Our Marshutka Stop"and features classic hits such as, "It's Her Dead Place," "How's the Toilet?" "Village Life," and the metal cover of Disney's "Let It Go."
64. The day I realized delicious jongjoli was a flower on a tree and not just a weed was mindblowing.
65. Every time the mountains made me grin like an idiot.
66. When there were pants in the hot water heater.
67. Sixth grade Gio saying, "I AM ENGLISH MASTAH!" after he finally understood something grammatically tricky.
68. The day I realized that my kids know verbs like "kill" and "die" solely because of Call of Duty and Grand Theft Auto, yet still struggle with "to be."
69. My off-road driving skills merited a marriage proposal.
70. Ani and I sat on the upstairs porch one day talking about how we wanted to be birds so we could fly anywhere and poop on people that we didn't like. But then we realized that there are so many dumb people we don't like in the world that everything would be covered in poop and you would need boats to get around. Makin' a difference, one kid at a time!
71. The night I realized the confused evening songbird, who has followed me from Michigan, to Los Angeles, to Michigan, then Texas, then back to Michigan, has finally found me in Georgia!
72. That time a random haughty Egyptian we met in a bar gave me an Egyptian coin, and told me it would bring me good luck.
73. The day glaring biology teacher actually hugged me and called me a kargi gogo was a fantastic day for my ego.
74. Drinking mint tea and eating bread with Bebo at 10:30 pm, since we didn't know where anyone else in the family was, and when in doubt, eat.
75. Drinking water out of a fourth century well that's tucked away in the mountain woods.
76. Being told we, two Americans and a host sibling, would be able to milk cows at a certain time, and instead herded them from one end of the village to the other.
77. When our sixth graders were learning about astronauts, and my coteacher turned to me and said, "I think everything became bad after we went to space." Interesting, I thought. I wonder if she hates the space program because she saw it as a gross appropriation of funds to something not necessary, while the needs of the people went unheeded. She then continued, "The sky is only for God, and we are not supposed to be there. So now, bad things happen because we feel like going to God's realm." Fucking of course.
78. Finding a car sort of buried in a hill, with only the door open to the world, and then being told by a seven year old that the pigs live in the car. Naturally.
79. When Sophia and I were sitting on a bench in the town center, eating some ice cream and playing "Boys Driving in Cars, Looking at Girls, Looking at Boys Driving in Cars..." A group of girls stopped in front of our bench, one sat sneakily down on it while the others pulled out a camera. Thinking they wanted a picture with the fortress, we moved down to give her more room, but she got even closer to us and then some pictures were taken. The girls introduced themselves, they asked our names, and then took more photos before leaving the two of us really, really confused. Especially since we weren't even that touristy. There was an Asian family on another bench, for fucks sake!
80. That time there was a chicken in a plastic bag full of children's clothes on a seat in a marshutka.
81. Seeing one of the girls who works at our preferred hostel out on the town and her, wasted, grabbing me in a hug and telling everyone around us that I am her favorite TLGer.
82. Feeling ridiculously happy at seeing these in a book store here.
83. Tskaltubo.
84. That time a friend and I accidentally wandered into a strip club but didn't understand what it was until the next day when we put all the brass and neon light memories together.
85. When we had a picnic at a fourth century church and accidentally broke a bench at the table outside because it was rotting wood.
86. Playing the jankiest homemade version of Cards Against Humanity ever to have graced this good Earth.
87. The Kotex spokeswomen outside of the Isani metro station giving packets of pads to little gypsy boys, who instantly turned around and started trying to sell them to people.
88. When school was cancelled for a week and a half due to a meningitis outbreak and they tried to have classes on a Saturday to help make up for it. Haaaaa.
89. The day we realized that the water park in Tbilisi isn't abandoned, but instead burned down. Digest that a second. I'm in a place where a water park burned down. A water. Park. Was on fire. A park full of water somehow was flammable.
90. Taking a trip with my teachers to Tbilisi, who all believed I would be lost forever unless I was physically in contact with one of them, to see the bones of a former bishop.
91. Singing songs and drinking wine behind a piss smelling bus outside our hotel.
92. For all the Star Wars and badly quoted graffiti throughout the country.
93. Having the thought, "China, please just stop" occur at least once a week.
94. Realizing every Georgian house has the exact same items: a piano no one can play, white dishes with little green flowers on them, and a terrifying collection of stuffed animals that will probably steal your soul in the night.
95. Having a belligerent Irish coworker tell the owners of the cafe we had just done three shots of chacha at that we are teachers, and having their reply be, "And tonight you are drunk!"
96. I finally understand that if anything good happens to you, you are supposed to bring cake and wine into school for everyone to celebrate. Good things include your own birthday, your grandchild's birthday, completion of the road your house or school is on, or if you buy a new car.
97. Everyone only talks about money or food unless you are giving toasts while drinking wine. And then you will talk a lot about dead people and how much you miss them.
98. Cafe Gallery and dancing like an idiot to bad techno music surrounded by coked out gay twentysomethingyearolds until five in the morning when you had said to yourself earlier that night, "I want a quiet night in. I think I'll stay at the hostel."
99. Telling numerous people that my Georgian is not very good, and if they could please speak slower, and instead they repeat what they had just said, only louder and faster.
100. Introducing big arms to this country, and having it finally sort of kinda be understood by my host sister.