Lions and Tigers and Bears! Oh My!

A few weeks ago, several of us found ourselves with a few hours in Tbilisi with nothing to do. The city boasts a zoo, and since none of us had ever been we decided to spent our time there. 

Having previously visited the Batumi "Aquarium" - I use the term VERY loosely, considering it was just a dimly lit building consisting of one big room that had a few tanks of goldfish, and some larger concrete and glass enclosures for indigenous fish which were too numerous for the size of the tanks - I mentally prepared myself to be wholly depressed by the zoo. 

Tbilisi's zoo is actually exceptionally easy to get to, as it's a hop, skip and a jump off a metro stop. It's not exactly the most ideal location for exotic animals due to its proximity to the highway. Did I say proximity? Maybe you misunderstand. It's RIGHT NEXT to the highway. In fact, you can see, and hear, the highway from a good chunk of the animal enclosures. 

There isn't really a sign for the zoo on the street. You more just keep walking until you see some fearsome lion statues with vendors outside. Naturally, they will sell Scream masks. Because those are still way big here, no matter what time of year. Four lari buys your way into the park.

The front end doesn't have any animals. It does, however, have the first boutique pet shop I've seen (I say boutique when really I mean they just sell Eukanuba dog food) and a veterinary clinic. How it works, I'm unsure, because it looked like people were bringing their dogs in. Do they have to pay four lari for admittance, or are they allowed to just go straight in since they will likely be charged up the wahzoo by the vet? If I knew anyone who had a pet in Tbilisi I'd ask them. For now, I'm left to speculate.

In addition to the confusing animal hospital, there were also some trampolines in trees. One of them was on the ground and had some kind of bungee jumper seat on it that kids could bounce on, but as to why the rest were in the trees...? 

On either side of the confused arboreal trampolines were game stands and mini rides reminiscent of carnivals. The people working them were the Georgian equivalents of carnies, also, which meant I gave them a wide, wide berth. I did appreciate Elmo's plea, though, so I ventured close enough to snap that quick shot.

This guy just reminds me of a terrifying machine that used to be in the Marquette Mall, where you could step on it, put a dollar in, and then weigh yourself. If you didn't interact with it, it would detect you walking by and say, in a creepy, dead voice, "Have you checked your weight today?" No, deceased and possessed lady living in a soulless machine. I haven't checked my weight today, nor do I want to because I KNOW THESE PANTS MAKE ME LOOK FAT OH MY GOD. I imagine this guy said something along the same lines, but I couldn't tell because he just grunted incomprehensibly and beeped. Yet another time that Russian would've been handy to know.

After finally making it past crazy commy fun park and it's shenanigans, you get to the animals, most of whom you can get way too close to. Like this unamused ostrich.

Or the pack of wolves. They were close enough that I could have stuck my hand out and touched the fence, thus attempting to poke them. I'm pretty sure this is the closest I will ever be to a wolf without being eaten. 

A few enclosures boasted a couple different animals. Notable examples of cohabitation were a dikdik and ducks, some swans and a fennec fox, yacks and shaggy mountain ponies, and, my personal favorite, a donkey with some rhinos. 

There doesn't seem to really be any rhyme or reason to the organization of the animals (shocker!). The elephants were across from some ungulates, the warthogs across from the wolves. The lions, tigers and bears (oh my!) were all right next to each other, which made me giggle a lot. It seems as though someone had a good sense of humor when planning the layout of this zoo, at least!

Probably the singular best part of the day was feeding time at the bears. We arrived to see them all converging on one part of their enclosure (which was woefully small given how many bears there were, but let's focus on the hilarity that ensued, yeah?). Curious, we watched as a zoo worker rolled a wheel barrow up to the fence and proceeded to throw something over to the bears. Squinting, we realized that they were tossing over apples. Ok, not too abnormal, we thought. I'm sure bears like fruit. And then beets and carrots went flying over, and we were slightly more confused. But the hands down best part were the loaves of bread. I know that the Soviet bread lines were a [sadly truthful based] joke and all back in the 80s and 90s, but I just want to let you know that they still are very much in play if you are a brown bear at the Tbilisi zoo. 

I mean, do bears even eat bread? I know that they're omnivores, and thus will eat [almost] anything, but bread? As part of their staple diet? They had a course of fish after the bread, and a few of them got whopped in the noggin with a frozen trout, all of which were so solid that sometimes they exploded into chunks when they hit the dirt. So I guess the bears probably aren't TOO lacking for nutrition, but considering a large part of their daily intake is bread I really have to wonder what other hilarious dietary decisions are being made for the rest of the animals. Are the hyenas getting hot dogs? What about croutons for the storks?

In watching the shitshow and a half which was bear feeding time, we also took particular note of the sign, politely warning patrons to not touch the fence.

The signs got much more comical from that point on. Since they're all in Georgian, I will give you my rough approximation of what I think they mean.

"Don't Be Human Toast!"

"Don't Poke The Grumpy Bears Because They Have Mafia Connections And Will Steal Your First Born And Make You Rue The Day You Thought You Were Funny As  A Child And Remember That Bears Are Patient And Cruel!" 

"Don't Tease The Derpy Pachyderms!"

"The Lion Has No Friends And You Cannot Bribe Him Into Friendship With Balloons And Candy!"

"No Being Happy And Having Fun!"

There were a lot of enclosures that were huge open spaces, complete with tubs for food and water, or tires for the animals to play with. And then there was the Soviet Bloc part of the zoo. Animals in these ranged from a pair of white tigers to a troop of blue-assed mandrils. Once again, no overall grouping of the animals together by continent or genus.

 Right across from Soviet Bloc Animals was, naturally, another commy fun park. Because nothing says a fun day at the zoo like a ride on a depressed ferris wheel that looks like it's about to fall apart!

 Or on a mafia run carousel, featuring zombie creatures from hell!

Of course, to enjoy any of these thrills, you have to pay. This big ferris wheel, which crowns the top of the slope the zoo is built into, is only one lari. I really regret not going on it, especially after seeing it's remarkable safety features i.e. a chain and some flimsy bars. Oh well. Next trip!

The Tbilisi zoo has something for everyone. If you don't like animals (which if you don't, why the hell are you at the zoo?), you're free to stay in one of the two commy fun parks and get sick off of gratuitous amounts of cotton candy and coin operated games. There are a plethora of fairly tame animals for you to touch through the fence, as well as some super shmerry ponies who are [not-very] willing to give you a ride in a buggy around a corral. If buggy rides are too high class for you, please consider a breakneck speed ride on a semi bucking horse for only six lari! We promise you won't get thrown off, and if you do just make sure you roll out of the way fast so you don't get stomped on!

For as utterly depressing as the zoo was, I actually really enjoyed it. It wasn't nearly as bad as I was expecting, aside from the elephant who looked like it was trying to think of ways to end its life. As is the case with most things here, I'm certain that Tbilisi's zoo would make a huge majority of people incredulous, angry, sad, upset, overwhelmed - you name a negative emotion, and you will most likely feel it if you're a sensitive person.

And I used to think I was a sensitive person.

But then I came to Georgia. Between gypsy kids begging on the streets, and the stray dogs, and the neighborhoods that look like warzones (because in some cases they were warzones a few short years ago), I've sort of become...I don't want to say dead inside, because that's not the right expression. Nor is numb. I'm aware of all the things that are fucked up around me, because believe you me there are a lot. And it's not that I'm alright with all of the shenanigans in terms of human and animal rights, cause again, I'm not. I just. Unsure how to describe it.

Dislocated maybe is the better term. I don't live here. I'm not stuck here. I'm not from here. I can't change anything here. It's not my place to pass judgement on what goes on in daily life, nor is it fruitful to do so. All I can do is take everything in, and remember that not everything has to be some life changing event. The zoo most definitely was not life changing, even though it was memorable, fun, and ridiculous.

Walking back to the metro stop after our day, I saw this sprayed onto a wall. It was like Tbilisi was sending a friendly reminder, cause really, this is all you can hope to do.